tired

mood: ??
weather: fine?
song now: may 16 - lagwagon

finally

it has been so long sia.. since i can really sit down and blog at my own timing.. sianz.. army life is fun, tho tired.. but i hafta part with my frenz soon.. i still rem all the good times.. as i look back on the past in my diary.. saw the memories.. and i knoe i'll miss all of them.. i more or less might cry at POP.. its juz one experience in a lifetime no one will ever forget.. sianz.. i love section one.. and tonite no one's gonna snatch that sentence away from me again.. haha.. haiz.. i feel so happy to pass out from bmt.. but so sad to see the frenship built on time and hardship has a future, a future that doesnt seem too well for me.. haiz.. i think i would esp miss ppl lyk jeremy, yuwei, linky, jiaei, shawn, jason and vege lorz.. haiz.. close frenz alwaes together.. on good and bad times.. haiz.. are we really gonna end this frenship lydat.. i noe we still can maintain contact.. but the feeling will disappear liao.. the buddy feel.. w/o speaking.. you can juz pass wad i wan to me the kinda rappo... haiz.. the lift taking experience.. everything.. and platoon 4.. when i finally get to noe everyone beta.. the countdown to POP starts.. haiz.. y muz it be this way? is life really about meeting and parting? i miss these buddies.. i hope they will miss me as much too.. the bonds between us are juz too precious to be broken.. i think..

oh.. so now.. lemme complain a while first.. wah.. stupid commanders.. they all instrutions nv hear say we wana plae punk.. then punish us.. then a certain guy in my platoon.. no names calling.. but really sabo the whole platoon lyk siao.. really super pized with me.. arrgghhh... you.. stupid idiot.. i alwaes say in chinese in my platoon.. direct translation.. dun haf brains think use butt to think lar.. alwaes sabo lyk siao.. there simply too many things to write about him liao.. sianz.. but i'm kinda glad SUMbody actually asked me if i'm ok.. cuz i told this SUMbody about this super pized feeling inside of me.. and juz now.. she actually asked about it.. kinda glad larz.. but lyk the same old me.. juz act as if i dun care.. heez.. *consoled* other ppl (except only and really only platoon4) wun noe wwad we've been thru.. the disciplinary actions taken upon us.. really too much lorz.. haiz.. its juz hurting larz.. and the corresponding behaviour of the platoon.. how to not get disheartened? haiz..

breathing - yellowcard

oh.. i think i did quite well.. or at least i tried my bez lar.. managed to read it everydae except on the laz two daes of ultimate punishment.. and managed to punish myself for the wrongs i did.. there are still sum wrongs i didnt correct.. but plz.. i need time.. really need adjustment period.. but still.. at least lyk for swearing.. i got take into account how many times and punished myself.. hehez.. glad.. and i'm so thankful for all the things God haf done for me.. praying really helps.. trust me.. and if there are 3 so committed christians who pray earnestly for you.. and you really can feel it and the recovery.. you will feel it..

rooftops - mest

too tired to write logic here liaoz.. so juz gonna write down wadeva i'm thinking now.. treat this lyk a mind rest and pouring out.. oh.. i got back well with this fren.. try to think in her position.. put myself in her shoes.. and sorta reconciled.. gd frenz still i guez.. oh.. and this gal.. i think i gonna give up larz.. a game.. now.. in army.. no.. not gonna plae anymore.. kinda tired.. if i think the time is rite.. maybe i'll try again.. but for now.. dun think so ba.. tho everytime i feel so cute.. and my v first time chasing a gal.. those puppy love kinda feeling.. so cute.. miss those kinda feeling.. so worried about how she thinks.. whole mind is all about her.. and every possible time for admin i would try to reach her.. the feeling is kinda fun lar.. but now ar.. too tired.. dunno if the freshness of the feeling is gone or i juz need a short break.. but then... i'll juz stop for now lar.. enuff of playing and get serious with my real stufz.. real impt stufz lyk how to maintain my bonds with my section.. howta pop.. howta get my bro too in my pop.. how to cure my blister.. how to clear soc.. how to reach out to ppl.. how to carry on a bigger mission.. howta grow stronger in the lord and really be a disciple.. to really get all my priorities rite..

sing(your love) - hillsong

wad to do now arhz.. oh ya... gonna cont toking to one of my bez buddies.. mr. lee.. hope he doesnt mind me bothering him.. ;)

tired

mood: dying
weather: hot
song now: you and i both..

army.. tired.. but fun..?

anw.. ppl.. if u wana tag.. you gotta click the "links" down there first. yea.. hehez..

army life.. went back on mon for my sitest.. duno if i did well anot.. but i gotta confess one thing.. i'm oo narrow minded.. i think i'm not being fair to a guy in my detail.. haiz.. shall not elaborate too much on it.. it was very very tiring.. almoz equivalent to the 7 daes field camp.. haiz.. its all over.. anw.. they might as well test us on rope tying rite.. haiz.. sianx..

come back.. nv sleep that nite.. actually got sleep.. wad i meant is all sleep at 2230 whereas me, shawn and jaiwei went to the foyer buy drinks and crap till 1+ b4 we decided to go and sleep.. next dae early in the morning is soc i think.. then got strength training and bcct oso.. luckily no combat swimming.. den nite go gym.. whoa.. xiong.. next dae.. oc parade.. quite impt.. then a while lunch.. then came back for sum co talk.. then mo stufz.. and run down for bcct.. came back.. tornado! sianx.. summore my section moz dirty.. so from afternoon to nite keep checking and do 200+ pushups and >70 counts of 4 of jumping jacks.. whoa.. fun sia.. wana siy liao.. next dae.. i mean todae.. soc again.. low rope v hard.. budden.. managed to do a whole rundown.. super shack.. first to run back.. clean up.. book out.. chiong cab with vege and jason.. went home.. crapped with my mum a bit.. then sa funfair.. den cell grp.. then home.. now..

whew.. after all that crap.. fnally managed to finish wad i did.. heez.. sianx.. i love todae's cell.. no one knows wad happen to me except myself.. but i feel gd.. but after that.. i disappointed myself again.. haiz.. dunno larz.. too shack to think liaox..

sa lang heh..

still..

mood: tumbl-crumbl-shake-......... still
weather: still
song now: ting bu dao

who knows..

todae.. yesterdae..

yesterdae arhz.. went out with martin they all lorz.. went to eat sakae sushi.. or rather.. watch them sakae.. cuz b4 that i was with my army frenz.. who wanted to go arcade.. and i ll hafta follow them.. then when all wana leave.. its 5+.. haiz.. then i eat oso bo hua.. hahah.. nvm lorz.. dun eat.. after that go cine.. buy tics for a moment to remember.. then i go pastamania eat with yuki.. actuallie onlyi eat lar.. hahah.. hmm.. then go watch.. me and yuki think that the show really is fantastic lar.. i almoz cried.. almoz ok.. i didnt.. was trying my bez to hold my tears.. *sobz* hahha.. no larz.. but really super touching lorz.. u dun expect too much.. juz watch it.. and dun complain about the intro.. and when everything juz fits in.. and u r able to integrate into the movie and put urself in that position.. whoa.. its heart breaking..

y do ppl alwaes say things after the chance has passed.. haiz.. sum ppl lacks courage.. sum has too much pride.. sum dunno the importance.. sum overweighs the importance and end up putting it so precious that not even once the words were spoken.. y.. i m a guy in all four situation.. has been.. rather.. hahaha.. haiz... wad to do.. if life.. i noe wad to do every time.. its not life le rite? or isit? sianx..

todae.. met up with ky in the morn for a short swim.. 20 laps nia.. but nvm.. cuz he sick.. and i cough lyk siao.. so too bad.. and he v buddy.. he ps his sec sch frenz bcuz i kana ps by my sec sch frenz.. haha.. so we go shop 2geder for his vdae gift for hl.. wah.. he super generous.. we shop so long liao ar.. den he decided.. the 235 watch for his gurl.. his gurl so heng ar.. confirm rich one.. hahah.. but if i haf a gurl.. hahah.. she'll be beta off.. or will she? heez.. sianz.. then shop for yuki's prez and met him at lido.. tok cock a little.. then rebecca came and they 2 went watch constantine.. then me n ky meet up with candice and shop for .. xiang ru?'s prez.. haha.. then 171 to candice hse.. and saw nd.. hahah.. and met her another gd fren.. hahah.. sum sp guy.. and the dunno wad aili ar.. hahah.. then gamble a little.. then go down and meet others.. hmm.. lemme try recalling.. xiangru, samantha, wanling, zhi min.. hmm.. did i miss out anyone.. aiya.. nvm.. if i so lucky to get the foto from ky zai jiang lar.. then met my jc frenz!

fer they all.. fer, martin, jialiang, benson, fund (me n ky late).. tok cock.. had quite a gd dinner.. then went fer's house.. i mean the new temporary one.. not bad lar.. got the cosy home feeling.. i dun mind that house.. summore the location to me is super gd lorz.. hahah.. sianz.. then play the in between card game.. wanted to sabo all of them.. in the end.. i myself owe 90 pumpings.. return almoz all.. actuallie all.. hahah.. ppl do 60 or 30 only.. i mean.. then do 90.. deserve it one.. hahha.. but i nv drag them.. hahah.. i m a man of integrity.. heez..

jc frenz still rockx.. i think no matter how old i'll be.. i'll still be close to them.. and oh my.. hse look super lyk her lar~ scary.. got shocked moz of the time.. then in a semi daze mood.. hahha.. sianz.. y remind me~ >.<

wrong..

mood: sianx
weather: ..
song now: to the ends of the earth

haiz..

a deeper analysis of my problem with God..

came back from cny..

mood: pathetic
weather: fine
song now: only the midi from my blog

bored!

so boring.. this cny.. so little angbaos.. barely over 100+.. sianx.. then summore the atmosphere is sumhow not quite rite.. damn sianx.. seemed to be sleeping thru my first two daes of chinese year.. haix.. wad can i do.. then todae got sum stupid guy ps me oso.. then i hafta stick onto my parents and relatives to go for dinner and stufz.. haiz.. i admit that it was gd.. but the thing is.. i would rather go home and order delivery and slack at home.. switched on the air-conditioner.. haf a can of jolly shandy.. lying down or sitting by my com.. at least to me its more lyk a normal dae than being stuck in a house with nothing to do other than stone.. and sumtmes even stoning looks more interesting lar.. sianz.. lousy year.. hope my outing with my section mates tmr would be a beta one.. haha..

oh.. maybe meeting up with sum of my jc frenz in near daes.. hahah.. mis those times when only the 4 of us went esplande and had sum lame fun there.. heez.. hope to cya guys again.. but the thing is ar.. my hair now.. haiz.. nvm.. i'm serving the country.. its sumthing to be proud of rite.. or ostensibly lar.. hahaha.. sianx.. i really damn stressed now.. i really want to make it.. but i scared i cant.. when hope gets dashed again and again ar.. haiz.. you really cant wish for the bez.. but u can alwaes prepare for the worst.. if i cannnot make it.. hmm... forget it..

haiz.. i dunno wad to say about my discipleship anymore le.. sianx.. nvm.. i shall keep trying.. and even if you are no longer with me or given up on me.. i shall follow you alwaes.. and i shall seek you alwaes.. even if coldness dwells upon me every nite.. i shall try my bez to walk with you alwaes.. so i really hope and pray that you can walk with me again.. and really be with me and let me feel your peace again..

rem.. alwaes rem.. to give thanks.. even if i'm now not as.. i still give thanks.. for letting me know that i cant take everything for granted and i shall seek for you alwaes.. give thanks for the impact and corrections for my mistakes that i've done.. give thanks to everything i'm bestowed with.. give thanks for you still in my life.. in my brain.. and in my heart..

haiz.. u noe ar.. sumtimes its really sad.. to be smiling.. on occasions that remind you of the past.. of everything.. of how you used to be so close to me.. of how long the talk can be.. of how much i miss you.. i still miss you.. i'll try and find you.. trust me.. i will do it.. be it the edge of earth or the entrance of hell.. i will try my bez to find you.. to be able to c you again.. to make you know that i really miss you.. how many years.. four years.. i think.. i miss you.. y juz cant i find you.. where are you.. you're the first and so far the laz that i put in my 101% of my heart and soul into.. where are you.. i still miss you.. ='(

troubled & troubled

mood: troubled
weather: fine
song now: now that you're near

i stand before you lord, and give you all my praise, your love is all i need, jesus you're all i need
my life belongs to you, you gave your life for me, your grace is all i need, jesus, you're all i need
hold me in your arms, never let me go, i wana spend eternity with you
and now, that you're near, everything is different, everything so different, lord
i know, i'm not the same, my life you've change, and i wana be with you, i wana be with you..
(i will sing for you alwaes, cuz in your presence God is where i wana stay)

haiz.. i'm so troubled by these two person..
one.. who lied a lot.. keep lying.. and lying.. you are not a good example.. i held you in high regard, high esteem, and this is how you break my trust and faith in you.. i'm very disappointed.. waiting for each time for you to admit your mistake, but each time you further lie to cover up yourself and your behaviour.. is reputation really that impt to you.. i'm very sad.. and v troubled by you.. i'm trying my bez to help you find excuses for you.. when you yourself seem to haf no intention of redeeming yourself.. ppl.. help me rekindle my trust in ppl again..
another.. i alwaes try my bez not to hurt you.. or in ways that you think that i m hurting you.. and so.. gradually.. i minimize contact with you.. but again. seeing your actions and words.. and not getting any gist of the hole situation.. i feel v.. hmm.. nvm.. dunno how to sae.. haIZ..

God.. help me.. i'm losing you..i'm losing your presence.. i dunno wad i can do to earn it back.. i know.. faith.. but i cant get the faith back.. i used to love you so much. and i can feel distinctively i'm losing you.. i want to.. but i juz cant bring myself to commit once again with that fervour and full of faith in you.. i wan to.. i'm v tired.. i need you.. your footsteps.. the one pair.. i need you to carry me in your arms once again.. everything fatigue comes b4 you and the sense of guilt would override me in the morning.. i cant take it anymore le lar.. and everything i tried.. i cant make it.. i m too slack in discipleship, yet too much pressure on myself.. bleahx.. wad m i toking.. argghh.. help.. sos..

any ppl out there to help.. experienced ppl to help me cross the bridge.. burn me again..

cuz all you are, cuz all i wan, alwaes
draw me close in your arms,
oh God, i wana be with you,
i wana be with you
oh god i wana be with you
i wana be with you

happy happy happy!

mood: happy!
weather: kewl
song now: rooftop - MEST

happy!

so happy ya.. chinese new year.. heez..

woke up at 5+ cuz my mum woke me up to take sum cough medicine.. haiz.. sianx.. so sick and tired.. achings all over my body.. and a terrible cough juz spoils my morning.. *cough* went back to sleep..

*had a v nice dream*

whoa! its new year.. the mood juz changed instantaneously lar.. hahah.. so shuang.. dunno wad to sae ar.. hahah.. i can oreadi visualize the angbaos.. hahhaa.. actually the $$ doesnt really matter.. wad matters is that i can go visit many relatives again.. lyk sum of my cousins who complained of missing me and my bro cuz the packed schedule juz increase the used-to-be-v-close distance among us.. hahah.. and the tot of playing blackjack and laughing at the losers ar.. hahah.. *evil grin*

i hope my parents gimme a big angbao tho.. then dunid go ard lyk begger desperate for $$ yet still not so paiseh to sae that my total angbao nv even cross 3 digits.. hahah.. dunno wad i toking liaoz.. nvm.. come back liaoz.. shd juz keep blabbering on..

army is fun! many ppl keep telling me.. i seem to be enjoying myself in army.. budden ar.. u c ar.. u dun lyk army oso muz go thru.. u lyk oso muz go thru wad.. so y not choose the happy way rite.. hehehz... (alan and his big logic again.. sneer).. no lar.. datz oso becuz i got superb section mates.. altho there are two that doesnt really earn my attention.. but still.. haha.. hmm.. i almoz completed everything liaoz.. ye! er.. all the imt, all the live range with real rounds (bullets), the fake dummy drill, the field camp (the worst of all.. shall tok about it later.. =p), then the bic (leopard crawling in the sand, painful lyk siao..), the gac (final grenade drill, got leopard crawl and throw 3 grenades summore..), the real grenade(whoa, this is really loud, esp when blind occurs and they used c4 to explode the blind.. whoa.. that one jialat ar..), ippt test again..
now left only the sit test and all would be physical liaoz... yeh.. so happy.. can finally concentrate on training up..

sianx.. i fail my whole ippt, because neither of my two not-counted chin-ups are counted.. if either counted, i would haf passed.. haiz.. nvm.. its chinese new year.. oh.. field camp.. first of all. its the braised chicken rice.. for those who haven went.. DUN TAKE NON-MUSLIM PACK 5! the braised chicken rice is horrendous.. haven open.. it feels lyk vomit.. open it up.. it smells lyk vomit.. take a look, it looks lyk vomit.. squeeze it out.. it sounds lyk vomit.. eat it.. it taste lyk vomit.. hmm.. did they put wrongly or isit supposed to be vomit? hahaha.. but still.. its a once in a lifetime experience.. ppl who eat that.. lyk me.. laugh thruout the eating.. i think all crazy liao. hahah.. budden... u nv get to test it again lorz.. hahha.. unless u get more than one pack.. haha.. oops. there are ppl who get more than one.. muahahaha.. feeling so evil now.. oh! there's this thing called the turnout.. whoa.. crazy lar.. sleep halfway.. they throw sum thunderflash(sum super loud bomb) and shooting machines guns using blanks to wake us all up.. "the enemy is coming.. u got 5 mins to break ur barsha (your tent which definitely needs time to dismantle it) and fall in! then sum idiot will shout "oi you f***ing maggots, run in the dir of the machine gun summore! ar! fazter go fall in the other side lar you f***ers!" and then they will juz say all are late.. then pump lyk siao.. ppl.. u may wana try 60 counts of 4 of jumping jacks with rifle... that is so fun ar.. hahaha.. a lot of pumpings here and there.. but overall.. it is fun.. sum gd things.. we got to cook maggi mee(bez food) sumtimes, a tech break on fourth dae, a lot of foto taking, slack time can talk crap with sergeants and sirs.. hahah.. fun lar.. treat everything lyk a free slimming program and it will feel alrite..

yawnz.. suddenly so sleepy.. nitez.. shall wake up later..